like white silk, like orange gummy bears

they were sorting crabs when we arrived:

live crabs, two
piles: male,
female, tossed into tubs, belly-
up, crawling at the air.
which is the opposite, exactly, of
yesterday, your hands tremblingly
on my head (I leaned
into them, I found it hard to
breathe, I wondered what
it would be like to have a live
crab in my hair) -
we bought females (the sweeter
flesh, the egg sac) belly-up (beautiful
bellies, purplue. kkote geh, they
call them, flower) still

alive, wrapped in

newspaper. I didn't see them again until

I ate them,

I ate them,

I cracked them wide open and

ate.

yes, I really ate crab.

It wasn't raw. The flesh was soft and silky, and it was easy to get down (except for when I accidentally ate a bit of guts with the flesh, then it was really hard not to gag).

Also, whole shrimp. The first time I tried to rip off the head (you don't eat that part), a bit of brain-juice (or something) oozed out, and I squealed. After that, my co-teachers ripped off the heads for me.

Also, another fish. Fuck fish, fuck it hard.

I went with the English department (6 people, myself included) to the seafood market and then to a nearby restaurant that cooked the crab for us. Funny thing is, none of us except for Han Jin-An (the older male teacher who reads but doesn't speak English) wanted to go to a seafood restaurant. But age and gender carry a lot of authority here. We went, and then after Han Jin-An left we (me, Yena, Young-Kyung, Shin-Jung, and Park Mi-Ran) got coffee together and bitched.

All of that happened earlier this week. Highlight of today: I had my second graders each come up with a dangerous situation and have one person give warnings to the other person. One student wrote: "Gary, don't talk to girls! You could hurt yourself!" / "Gary, watch out! A girl's coming!" I could hardly contain myself.

Here and here is what a flower crab looks like.
Here is what the belly of a flower crab looks like. But the ones I saw had purplue lines along the creases in their shells. (Luckily, they weren't nearly as beautiful once they were dead/cooked. Maybe the ones in this picture are dead?)
Here is what the white crab flesh looks like.
And here is something like what the piles of crabs at the market looked like. But imagine that the pile is oh so much bigger than this one, that the crabs are squirming and sliding off the pile, and that there are 100 more piles exactly like this one with various types of crabs.

swim --> swam

I taught past tense verbs to my 1st-grade c-level kids (the lowest level I teach) today, and it worked it worked it worked! We played games, we talked about what they did last night. They totally know how to change verbs into past tense now (the most common verbs, at least). I am getting better at this whole teaching thing, I swear it.

Downside: more of my students come down with the swine flu every day. Medical masks abound in school. In one of my Thursday classes, about 1/4-1/3 of the students were out sick. Some the teachers are hoping school will be canceled for an indefinite time period (until the flu calms down).

In other news, Seoul Grand Park, Seoul Zoo:

Taking the lift up to the top of Seoul Grand Park, where the zoo is. I Young-Kyung is afraid of heights, can you tell?

KoHo, I Young-Kyung, me. American brown bears in the background.

I don't know if you can tell from this photo, but these bears have huge round ears that stick straight up, and it reallyreallyreally makes them look like Mickey Mouse.

re: thank you for the jeju orange chocolates! they were delicious!

Shin Sung-Min:

"Oh~~ don't mention it.

If you were delicious, I'm happy!! :)"

In other news, my desire to do any job I'm given well translates into a deep-seated desire to teach these kids as much as I can. And if putting my insecurities on display makes my students more excited about learning, then I'll put them on a goddamn poster.

"Metrosexual men would resent any implications about their sexuality, and never consider themselves anything but 'real men.'"

Oh, lordy. We're really going to talk about this, aren't we.

When Young-Kyung (my youngest co-teacher) explained to me last night that this symbol marks parking spaces reserved for female drivers, I was dumbstruck. Apparently, these "privileged" parking spots are commonly found outside of department stores. Ugh.

I told some of you that "blurring gender norms" was this week's english-teachers'-tea-time topic (incidentally, also chosen by Young-Kyung). I was excited when I found it out (maybe my co-teachers aren't as heteronormative as I thought!), but I'm afraid the result was discouraging, to say the least. The conversation centered around whether the "shocking" behavior of so-called "metrosexual"* men should be acceptable. My co-teachers all agreed that while they had no problem with men "dressing up, styling their hair, going to the salon, or wearing makeup," no woman in her right mind would ever want to marry such a man. Their main concern about "metrosexuals" was that accepting their behavior would lead to an increase in what they called the "homosexual problem." Thanks to Harisu, the topic of transgendering was briefly discussed, but predominantly dismissed as a hormone defect, an illness to be pitied.

I was so uncomfortable and upset that I could barely speak. I did my best to explain that I view sexuality (not to mention style of dress) as a personal choice and believe that all personal life choices should be accepted. I explained the difference between transgender, transvestite, and homosexual to my confused co-teachers, and also explained that "no, Harisu's husband is not gay, because Harisu is a woman." See here for South Korea on transgendering and marriage.

I told them that I had many homosexual and transgender friends, and that I found their personal choices just as acceptable as the choices of heterosexual people. I'm sorry guys, I couldn't come out to them, I just couldn't.

I wanted to cry after the "tea time," but instead I went to my last class of the day and made them laugh with my comic strips and satoo-sensei acting style (i.e. I am two people at once, perpetually jumping around the room and using papers with "Gary" and "Semin" [the textbook's name choices, not mine] written on them). This week, Semin tells Gary to watch out because there is a car coming, but Gary has his head up his ass and gets hit by the car anyway. His elbow breaks. The class thinks it's hilarious when I fall down and yell "Ouch!" while clutching at my elbow.

I can't talk about gender and queerness anymore right now. It's making me depressed, and I have productive things that I want to do today. Like Korean class, I am going to Korean class every Saturday now. Just know, all you lovely and brilliant friends, that I love you and miss you to distraction.

So, in conclusion:

Look at that smug little asshole, perched up on the ceiling where he thinks I can't get to him. He's been torturing me for two days. He hides during the day and only comes out at night when I'm half-asleep to bite any pieces of skin left uncovered by my blanket.

I took my world map, rolled it up into a pole of sorts, turned a flat-bottomed cup upside-down and put it on the end of the map, and stealthily smashed the little fucker. Take that, asshole.

*Why do people call it "metrosexual," anyway? The connotations have everything to do with style of dressing and toiletry habits, and nothing at all to do with sexuality.

파멜라 = pamela, 파멜라님 = professor pamela. how odd.

After my absence Monday, the entire school needs reassurance that I am not dying. For example: 신성민 (shin sung-min), one of the guys who works as a tech for the school and is oh-so-eager to learn English. When I was holding the teachers' English cafe last week, he came every day and stayed the whole two hours. Anyway, read this (you know, if you want):

신성민님이 보낸글 >>
Good morning!!!

How are you today?

I was busy yeaterday!! So I went home at midnight and went to bed 1:00 AM.

I cann't take a rest and just slept.

I am very tired. T.T

파멜라님이 보낸글 >>
Good morning!

Wow, yesterday was a very long day for you. :)

Yesterday I was feeling a little sick, so I was not in school, but today I feel much better. But I am a little tired too. :)

I hope you are having a good day!

신성민님이 보낸글 >>
Hl!

Oh!! Why were you sick? I'm sorry!!

Um~~~~So Are you Ok? right now!

Do you have good lunch?

Yesterday I went other school!! The school was very big school! There was big as five times than here!
The school name is Seoul Technical High School!

Today my department got new camera and new camcorder!
So I learned how to work new camare and new camcorder!

What did you do today?

파멜라님이 보낸글 >>
I had a good lunch, thanks! I love potatoes. :) How about you?

Why I was sick is a silly story. Sunday night, I accidentally locked myself out of my apartment at 1 am, and I had to wait until the building manager came at 8 am to let me into my apartment. So I spent about 7 hours sitting in the cold hallway. :( So Monday I was a little sick. But I'm okay today! I feel much better.

Wow, I didn't know Seoul Technical High School was so big! How did your presentation go?

The new camera and camcorder sounds fun! I really like taking pictures. I wish I knew more about cameras.

I had only 3 classes today, and they were fun. It has been a good day. I am also starting to plan what I will teach for the winter English camp for our school in January.

Hope you are having a good afternoon!

부재중 수신된 내용입니다.

내용 :
Really?
Did you wait the cold hallway for 7 hours? Oh my god!!!!
You were bored and were so cold!!! So you were sick!!

Um~~~

It is time I should check how clean is computer labs!

Tomorrow!!! We talk about your story!!!

Hope you have a good evening and night!!! :)



신성민님이 보낸글 >>
Good afternoon!!~

How are you today? Do you have good lunch?

Um~~~

Last sunday nighit!! What did you do for wating the building manager??

If you have happning same at last sunday, Call me anytime! I help you!

The winter English camp? Wow!~~ It's good!
Who will you teach ? Student of our school? or other people?
How long will you teach?

Sometime do you mind if I attend the camp?

파멜라님이 보낸글 >>
Hello! I hope you are having a good day!

Actually, the reason I locked myself out is that I left the door open to go into the hallway to get water, but the wind blew the door shut. (My door locks itself when it closes.) So I didn't have a cell phone or anyone's phone numbers with me.

But don't worry about it! It definitely won't happen again, I will be careful.

The English camp is 3 weeks long, and I think it will be all students from this school.

Anyway, how was your day?

신성민님이 보낸글 >>

I have good day!!!

I have good lunch! And I borrow books that I wanted English conversation books at the library!

I wish My think convey to you well! So I will study very hard from the English book! <==== righit?

hahahah!!!!!

il-il-il-il

Seoul likes filtered water. Everywhere, there are water coolers with as much near-boiling/near-frigid tasty water as you could possibly want.

Ergo: the water cooler for my apartment building is in the hallway on my floor, about 4 meters from my door. I frequently leave my door ajar as I go to fill up my water jug, and I did so last night at about 1 in the morning. Only, last night was a windy night, and a strong gust through the hallway blew my door shut. It's self-locking.

The last time I felt like I was losing myself here, I stayed up all night skyping and writing postcards. This time, I sat outside my door for upwards of 7 hours in nothing but my bathrobe, intermittently filling my water jug with hot water to keep myself warm (it's cold here now, did I tell you? Last night was a quite the windy thunderstorm, and I would have loved it if I had been under my comforter). I didn't have a cell phone with me, so I couldn't call my co-teachers or my building manager, so the only thing to do was to wait until the building manager arrived at about 8:30 this morning. By the time I got back in my room, I had a slew of missed calls from Park Mi-Ran, wondering where I was. I'd been having a rough night before I got locked out, so I'm sure you can imagine that I was on the verge of tears when I described to her why I hadn't arrived at school that day. She was quite concerned, and convinced the vice-principal to give me the day off so that I could rest and warm myself up. (Maybe they're worried I'll get swine flu?) The day off was really nice. I spent it drinking tea and eating boiled eggs and reading and napping and trying not to think about lesson plans. I may or may not be recovering from my 2-3 day slump.

I've been having a rough weekend of it. I couldn't really tell you why. I feel utterly incapable of preparing for my classes. I feel sick-ish. I am panic-stricken and convinced that I am not doing and will never do anything worthwhile. (Did you know that my greatest fear is stagnation?) Then, last night, I got a confirmation of sorts that a friendship which I knew to have ended has been severed more completely than I thought, and I still don't understand what I did to make this person hate me so much.

I am at my worst when unshakably convinced of my own worthlessness, and I was certainly convinced of it over the weekend.

Don't take this post too hard, though. You should know by now that I have these days sometimes, no matter where I am or what I am doing. At the risk of cheapening my own emotions, I might go so far as to say that, quite simply, the honeymoon period of my stay in Seoul is over, and I am now faced with a more realistic picture of how hard it will be to build myself a life here.

On the up-side, I killed 4 mosquitoes while I sat out in the hallway, which is totally a record for me with Korea's mosquitoes from hell.

noodlenoodlenoodle

One morning, I woke up to see the frost and my fingerprint oils making this strange deer/antler man on my window.

Im Kyung-Hwa, my #1 gossip girl. "You should know as many men as possible before you get married," she says.

Left-to-right: Kim Shin-Jung, Im Kyung-Hwa, yours truly. Coffee together after my aforementioned fish encounter.

Kim Shin-Jung, me, Im Kyung-Hwa on top of the mountain named after the meeting point of the two branches of the Hangang. This is totally my favorite.

Gawking at the 500-yr-old ginko tree.

Park Mi-Ran, the immovable force.

화장실: hwa-jang-sheel: powder room

On my walk in to school this morning, Han Tae-Gyu caught up with me again. He had a dream, he told me, that I gave him a present of soap. Twice. I couldn't tell whether he meant that he had the same dream two times, or that I gave him soap two times in one dream.

He also asked if I liked soy milk, and said that the next time he saw me he would give me a box of soy milk. They have a way of saying things to me that doesn't seem to allow me to argue, and I still don't know when it's okay for me to decline a gift. If it's ever okay.

This week is midterm-exam-week, and I have no official classes. But I still go in to work every day, and for a few hours every morning hold an "English cafe" in the English classroom, for any teachers who want to come and practice their English with me. It's fun! Despite my expectations, Kim Yeon (the overeager, rude teacher I mentioned before) has been a scarce presence in the cafe, and my more frequent visitors are 3 techies who I have had little to no interaction with previously. They've been coming every day, and staying for about 2 hours most of the time. We have coffee and eat fruit and less healthy snacks, and talk about travel and pets and language and things.

But that's all beside the point. The point was this: mountain #3: I-don't-know-the-name-of-this-san, on the south-east periphery of Seoul. I didn't actually climb this one, though.

Rather, three of my English-speaking teacher-family members and I went out to lunch together, and then Park Mi-Ran drove us most of the way up the mountain. Then we had a self-serve traditional Korean tea ceremony at the top, which was splendid.

Lunch was mostly things I've had before. But also, we had fish. And not silly fish patties or fish sandwiches, either. They cooked a small fish whole, and then put it on a plate and gave it to me. And I ate it. I pried it open with my chopsticks, and peeled the skin away, and plucked the meat away from the bones, and ate it. I didn't love it or anything, and I only ate as much as I thought necessary to show that I wasn't sticking up my nose. But I didn't gag. Apparently cooked fish is now on the list of things I can stomach, which means it's now part of my school diet. I'm continually amazed at how easily I am transitioning to a diet which scarcely resembles anything I've eaten for the past 12 years, or ever.

This is a 500-year-old ginko tree next to the Water Bell Temple, where we had the tea ceremony. Many women pray next to it for fertility, since it produces so many fruit. Also, did you know that ginko fruit smell like sewage when you crush them? It's true.

another day, another mountain.

Mountain #2: Umyeonsan (Mt. Umyeon) for the second time. It's the mountain right behind my school, and I climbed it with Shin-Jeong and Park Mi-Ran to get to a photo exhibition close to Mi-Ran's house after school on Monday.

The exhibit was of Sarah Moon (who sounds Korean by name, but is British by birth and French for all purposes).

Common themes:
1. women in high fashion
2. birds (a plethora of parrots. a fair few seagulls. one toucan. pelicans. flamingos. herons. at least 3 peacocks)
3. nipples (see below)
4. naked backs (see below)
5. ballet
6. swimmers

Fairly typical of her fashion photography.

Most of the women in her photos are pictured from behind. Their faces are almost never shown, but their backs are almost always bare and on display.

Some of the backs were photographed in contorted positions, which reminded me a little bit of Edgar Degas. Like this painting, only with more uncertainty about what position the subject is in.

Again, face is (at least partially) covered/obscured. Nipples are another common theme. In some of the photos, the nipples are actually visible; in others, they are obscured. But the nipples are always present.

Normal people/objects photographed as though they were diseased/dying/dead. This is only a pockmarked statue, but doesn't it look like a decaying corpse or someone with the plague?

Finally, at the very end, a photo with movement.

On the whole, the exhibit was a bit of a downer, and both Mi-Ran and Shin-Jeong denounced Sarah Moon as pessimistic (which I have come to understand is a pretty sizable insult here).

"It seemed like a dream. Back to my childhood, I had sad dreams. I dreamt that my mother said goodbye and left me alone." -Park Mi-Ran

Alone-ness seems to be a societal fear, here. Several of my co-workers (male and female) have expressed to me their desire to find a husband/wife so that they will never have to live by themselves. Most of my unmarried co-workers still live with their parents, and will likely continue to do so until they get married. This is a desirable situation to most of them. "I don't want to live alone," they say, and their earnestness is tangible.

mountain in the morning. mountain in the evening. mountain at suppertime.

Mountain #1: Samaksan (Mt. Samak). The suffix -ak means "rocky" - hence, Samaksan was really steep and cliff-y, maybe the hardest hike of my life. I climbed it Sunday with Mr. Ko (one of my co-workers, also known by his self-given nickname, KoHo) and his hiking club. That day, I left my apartment before sunrise and got back after sunset, and my legs are still sore. At some points, the mountain was so steep that there were metal footholds driven into the rocks for purchase, and ropes to pull ourselves up. KoHo thought it was easy.

Buddhist temple about 1/3 up the mountain.

View of the Hangang (Han River) from 1/2 up the mountain.

One of the easier parts of the hike.

Me and KoHo, who doesn't like having his picture taken.

This isn't the whole group, but there you have it. We're about two steps away from the peak.

After we reached the summit: picnic time! They were all so prepared, it kind of blew my mind. We had fresh fruits&vegetables, chicken salad sandwiches, Korean wine, hot coffee from a thermos, dduk, and so much more.

Suddenly, it's cool here. The leaves are changing color. :)

Surprise waterfall.

Dead butterfly floating in the stream on the descent. Am I weird for liking this photo?

fuschiafuschiafuschia. clovers.

It's kind of a thing here for couples to write their names inside a heart on a padlock and then lock it to fences in certain popular places around Seoul. It's romantic, or something.

At the train station.

happy hangul day/breast cancer awareness

New statue of King Sejong (the inventor of hangul) which was unveiled Friday. Sadly, they did the actual unveiling while I was at work, but look! He's glowing!

Some other dude who fought off some Japanese ships n' shit.

Rotating triumvirate of woman power.

The Chonggyecheon was bathed in pink lights.


Tea with Bobbie and Anji at the Flying Bird Cafe. I had "sweet dew" tea, which tasted mildly of seaweed with an aftertaste of sweet ginger. There were about ten birds which continuously chirped adorably and flew around the cafe making nests with little bits of straw and used customer napkins. I was entranced by them. I miss having animals in my life.

The orange one was my favorite.

These two were playing a Love Game with each other the whole time.

sweet potato poem #1:

one reason on the side of regret for my

clipped-short nails: it would be easier to

hold these long

lumpy pockets of, oh

fuck, hot

skins like velvet I peel away in

threads, what blood

red would look like if you smeared

mud into it. You'd say "don't play with your

fucking food" (I think)

but you wouldn't

say "fucking." The "fucking" is

mine. I

make a mountain of

skin (skin-san. no! gwanak

-san, I mean, I'll

climb it soon). In this
place, I climb mountains.

Here,

I play with my fucking food.

Oh, and one more thing.

Read this: http://www.seoulstyle.com/art_bau_haus.htm

Just do it, okay?

I don't even remember what a milonete /is/ anymore.

I went to meditation club for the second time today, because I thought about it and realized that I wanted to. I don't know if I'm doing it "right" (if there is a right way to do it), but I find it relaxing and feel calmer than usual afterwards. Which I like, and want to continue.

My first class today went really well, and I felt for the first time as though I was getting the hang of teaching. The other two classes I have on Thursdays were not as smooth, but who knows, maybe one day I will feel as though I've got the hang of it again.

I've found another tango place that offers beginner and intermediate lessons (as opposed to Tango O Nada, which only offers advanced lessons). It's called El Tango Cafe. But I need to call them to get their schedule for sure. Shy Pam/the Demon doesn't want me to call them. @warmandbarky @bird_esque if you have the time, would you mind harassing me about this a little?

I'm serious about this, guys.

Whenever I think about my blog these past few days, I feel an uncharacteristic resentment towards it. I'm fairly certain that this feeling has its origin in the responses a few of you vocalized to me, in reaction to what I posted on Sunday. I feel as though even in Seoul, I'm still being trapped in West Michigan's close-mindedness, and I don't like it.

I am writing this note to try to purge these feelings, so that I can continue being fond of this blog.

Let me say this plainly: I refuse to censor myself on my blog. When I told you about my blog in the first place, it meant that I was trusting you with a lot of personal information about myself. If your response to my trust is to place judgments on my behavior and to treat me like a child, I will not hesitate to make my private thoughts inaccessible to you. I am not a child, and I know more about my life [feelings, behaviors, surroundings, etc.] than you ever will, just as you know more about /your/ life than I possibly can. If you ever wish to have a meaningful conversation about my behavior (or specifically, my sexuality), I welcome you. I'm aware that many of you have no idea (though you may think you have an idea) how I define my sexuality. You've never asked. I would be happy to talk to you about it if you are curious, but only if you come to the conversation having discarded your previous assumptions about me. I am not the person I was growing up. I have thought long and hard about these things. Recognize that, please. I refuse to let you make me feel cheap or ashamed; if you come to the conversation with the idea of convincing me to change behaviors that you view as wrong, I will hang up on you.

I am fond of this blog. I want it to continue for a long time, and I want it to be open to anyone who wants to read it. I can't fathom why you would want to read this if you're not going to be open-minded about it. I'm well aware that many of my life views are radically different from yours, but when I arrived in Seoul I tried to drop every impulse to judge or pre-conceive, and I wish you would do the same. If you can't, at least keep your judgments to yourself. I don't want to hear them. This blog is a safe space for me, and if you challenge that, you will lose access to it.

That being said, let the posting go on.

where I couldn't speak the language and didn't need to

white egret!

Business meeting.

Pretend you are hearing those 3 kids squealing with delight as they get rained on by the fountain.

Look at all that pale leg. LOOK AT IT.

Underneath a bridge on Chonggyecheon, cooling my feet.