Whenever I think about my blog these past few days, I feel an uncharacteristic resentment towards it. I'm fairly certain that this feeling has its origin in the responses a few of you vocalized to me, in reaction to what I posted on Sunday. I feel as though even in Seoul, I'm still being trapped in West Michigan's close-mindedness, and I don't like it.
I am writing this note to try to purge these feelings, so that I can continue being fond of this blog.
Let me say this plainly: I refuse to censor myself on my blog. When I told you about my blog in the first place, it meant that I was trusting you with a lot of personal information about myself. If your response to my trust is to place judgments on my behavior and to treat me like a child, I will not hesitate to make my private thoughts inaccessible to you. I am not a child, and I know more about my life [feelings, behaviors, surroundings, etc.] than you ever will, just as you know more about /your/ life than I possibly can. If you ever wish to have a meaningful conversation about my behavior (or specifically, my sexuality), I welcome you. I'm aware that many of you have no idea (though you may think you have an idea) how I define my sexuality. You've never asked. I would be happy to talk to you about it if you are curious, but only if you come to the conversation having discarded your previous assumptions about me. I am not the person I was growing up. I have thought long and hard about these things. Recognize that, please. I refuse to let you make me feel cheap or ashamed; if you come to the conversation with the idea of convincing me to change behaviors that you view as wrong, I will hang up on you.
I am fond of this blog. I want it to continue for a long time, and I want it to be open to anyone who wants to read it. I can't fathom why you would want to read this if you're not going to be open-minded about it. I'm well aware that many of my life views are radically different from yours, but when I arrived in Seoul I tried to drop every impulse to judge or pre-conceive, and I wish you would do the same. If you can't, at least keep your judgments to yourself. I don't want to hear them. This blog is a safe space for me, and if you challenge that, you will lose access to it.
That being said, let the posting go on.
That being said, let the posting go on.
7 comments:
Dear Pam, I love you and I support you. I'm sorry if a few people have let you down, but I'm so happy that you aren't letting anyone's shitty behavior/ rudeness hold you back, because you are excellent and when you write honestly and openly, that is also excellent. Love, Audra.
Dear Pam,
This sort of makes me cry (I know, I know, what doesn't) but in a good way. I kind of hate the phrase "being true to yourself," but how else do I put this? Thank you so much for being so honest, so thoughtful & so fucking badass.
I LOVE YOU.
Dear Pam,
As I mentioned before, I greatly enjoy reading your blog. I commend you for your openness and appreciate being let in to your thoughts and feelings. Please don't let anyone discourage you or get you down for being who you are. I have always admired you and am glad to know you. :)
Molly
thanks, guys. I <3 you all back.
Pam, you are a fucking badass motherfucker! I love you and miss you!
I'm in a cursing mood today... hearts and loves!
I fucking love it when you're in a cursing mood, Nora. So much love, you don't even know.
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