I am a more neurotic person, I think, than I have ever given myself credit for.
I've been telling you guys that living and working in Korea has made me into a more anxious person than I have ever been before.
I don't think that's true.
It's true that I have a lot of anxiety about teaching. But my anxiety about teaching is a continuation of my ever-present desire to do my job (whatever it may be) well. This is not a new desire, and not a new anxiety. Why on earth did I care so much about my high school assignments if not because I wanted to do my job well? It definitely wasn't because of any high-flown respect for the education I was receiving. And why did I work so hard that summer I was at Target, or the next summer spent taking verbal abuse at HIO? It wasn't because I had much respect for the organization I was working for, and it wasn't because I enjoyed what I was doing or thought I was helping the world somehow by stuffing those envelopes a little bit faster. It was because I wanted to do my job well, and I wanted to please my superiors.
The difference is that in the past, I felt confident (most of the time) that I was doing my job well. Here, I have severe doubts about whether I have taught anyone anything in my time as an "English teacher," which has made my work-anxiety more apparent than it was before.
So, the anxieties I have here are not new. Neither is my psychotic avoidance/fear of the outside world that has me using all possible excuses to avoid leaving my apartment on days when it is not required of me. (Have I ever told you what I was like in London?) Neither are the deep-rooted insecurities that I've still let prevent me from seeking out the queer community in Seoul. Neither is the body/height anxiety that I still allow to frighten me away from tango with shorter men. (I don't mean that I think there's anything wrong with taller women w/shorter men; I think that's perfectly normal. And I have nothing against shorter men. It's anxiety about my own body and my own height that I'm talking about. Dancing with shorter men makes me extremely paranoid that they are frustrated at having to dance with me because of my height.)
I have a lot of neurotic body habits that I am too ashamed of to reveal even to those of you who have told me some/all of your neurotic body habits. That still stands; I'm not going to tell you about them. But it's a rare day when I don't bite my lips til they bleed at least twice.
I've spent a lot of time pretending to myself that I am not an anxious or neurotic person, but I don't think that has ever been true. I have overwhelming amounts of social anxiety, and I don't know why I'm only realizing this now, or why it's taken me this long to name it for what it is (though certainly some credit goes to @bird_esque and @andmyfeetare for making me feel less and less like neuroses were something shameful and not-to-be-talked-about).
I think I've been trying to create some image of myself as a strong person, because so much of my self-worth in centered on being able to do things and on being unafraid to do them. This is at least partly related to my constant need to separate my current self from my past selves, because I see more of my own faults than I used to, and I recognize my past selves as neurotic people.
I wonder if my "strong image" has fooled anyone. Realistically, I'm afraid of doing a lot of things. I once told one of my co-teachers that I was nervous about going to tango class because I had no friend to go with, and she laughed at me. "Coming to Korea by yourself is a lot scarier than going to tango class by yourself," she said. That should be true, right? Why was I able to make the decision to come to Seoul, but am consistently unable to make the decision to attend the everyday social events that should be filling my life by now?
And another thing: my mom's knee dislocation a year and a half ago made me realize way back then how fragile and how ableist my belief in my own strength is, when at any moment my body could change, could become unable to do many of the things (mountain climbing, dancing) that have come to be part of my identity.
How can I separate my identity from being able to do these things? How can I believe in my own worth without connecting my worth to the things I do well? How can I accept my neuroses and social anxieties without allowing them to prevent me from doing the things I want to be doing?
Saturday, 30 January 2010
Friday, 29 January 2010
Straight from the DMZ: Bottled Water
SEOUL, Dec 9 — South Korea’s newest bottled water comes from a place where the nature has been unspoiled for decades due to razor-wire fences, land-mined fields and more than one million heavily armed soldiers standing guard.
Its name is “DMZ 2km” and is bottled near the no-man’s-land Demilitarised Zone buffer that has divided the Korean peninsula since the end of the 1950-53 Korean War and is marketed to those who do not think of the area as the Cold War’s last frontier.
“We decided on water from the DMZ because it’s different, and the environment there is untouched, so many people thinks it’s clean,” said Lee Sang-hyo, a spokesman for Lotte Chilsung Beverage Co, which started selling the water three months ago.
A 500ml bottle sells for 600 won (RM1.76) and has DMZ on the label, along with a silhouette of a bird.
Login Beverage, the bottler, draws the water from a plant about 2 km south of the South Korean end of the buffer zone from a spring that flows under the DMZ — a 4km wide band that runs about 245km across the peninsula set up as a part of the ceasefire that ended the Korean War fighting.
Except for the rare secret military patrol or border incursion, the DMZ has been free of human activity since the end of the war, and has become a band of pristine nature.
Environmentalists estimate there are about 2,900 different plant species, about 70 different types of mammals and 320 different types of birds in the DMZ.
There is also one of the world’s largest collection of armaments on either side because the two Koreas are technically still at war.
“Getting the water is not dangerous at all. We worked it all out with the military,” said spokesman Lee.[The Malaysian Insider]
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
the man next to me on line 2 breathing heavily through his nose
1. makkoli and rediscovering my love of Andre 3000
2. "I want to shriek at / any identity / this culture gives me claw it to"
3. panic attack in the subway earlier, maybe because hungry, maybe because
4. "has nothing to / do with me or / my baby and never will"
5. and my principal is nice to me. that's
6. NICE.
7. meet gossip girl #2:
8. but how silly to be comforted by my own voice! as though
10. low for a "woman"
2. "I want to shriek at / any identity / this culture gives me claw it to"
3. panic attack in the subway earlier, maybe because hungry, maybe because
4. "has nothing to / do with me or / my baby and never will"
5. and my principal is nice to me. that's
6. NICE.
7. meet gossip girl #2:
8. but how silly to be comforted by my own voice! as though- a) I didn't miss the gossip girls like my masturbation hand
- b) I were some sort of constant in my own life!
10. low for a "woman"
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
OMG, I'M SUCH A LONELY DRIFTER. DON'T LOVE ME. (@warmandbarky)
alternately, "weekly" pop music profile #6: C.N. Blue.
C.N. Blue (Code Name Blue) just debuted in mid-January, and high school girls everywhere have already decided to be in love with them. Here is their only music video so far: "I'm a Loner." (@bird_esque MinHyuk [Lovely] and YongHwa [Emotional] have dyke/SuperJunior hair.)
These guys are one of a few Korean boy bands that don't dance (FT Island is another). I DO NOT APPROVE. What kind of a boy band are you if you don't have precisely choreographed mediocre dance moves (that are mesmerizing despite their mediocrity)?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT KIND OF A BOY BAND YOU ARE: A FAKE ONE.
IT'S A PRETENSE. A MOCKERY.
(what I mean to say is, dear Super Junior: I love you and am lost without you. Plz make more music videos.)
C.N. Blue (Code Name Blue) just debuted in mid-January, and high school girls everywhere have already decided to be in love with them. Here is their only music video so far: "I'm a Loner." (@bird_esque MinHyuk [Lovely] and YongHwa [Emotional] have dyke/SuperJunior hair.)
These guys are one of a few Korean boy bands that don't dance (FT Island is another). I DO NOT APPROVE. What kind of a boy band are you if you don't have precisely choreographed mediocre dance moves (that are mesmerizing despite their mediocrity)?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT KIND OF A BOY BAND YOU ARE: A FAKE ONE.
IT'S A PRETENSE. A MOCKERY.
(what I mean to say is, dear Super Junior: I love you and am lost without you. Plz make more music videos.)
Monday, 25 January 2010
눈꽃
눈 = snow (also "eye," but in this case "snow");
꽃 = flower;
therefore, 눈꽃 = snow flower, and you use it to refer to the snow that piles up on top of tree branches after a heavy snowfall.
눈 is pronounced "noon," and 꽃 is pronounced "goat." So: noongoat. Say it quickly, and let the "g" get stuck in your throat a little.
꽃 = flower;
therefore, 눈꽃 = snow flower, and you use it to refer to the snow that piles up on top of tree branches after a heavy snowfall.
눈 is pronounced "noon," and 꽃 is pronounced "goat." So: noongoat. Say it quickly, and let the "g" get stuck in your throat a little.
pupation
If, after the last post, you are wondering what a silk-worm pupa looks like, here is a pretty accurate visual of the brand of pupa I consumed:
Sunday, 24 January 2010
KoHo, you LIED to me.
They do a funny thing here. They call a thing a mountain, when it's really a miniature mountain range.
Which is to say, when I talk to Park Mi-Ran next week, I will tell her I climbed 수리산 (Suri-san) today. But the truth (as I see it) is that I climbed 4 mountains today. Because Suri-san has 4 peaks, and we couldn't just climb ONE.
The trail itself was not difficult. In fact, I was doing pretty good right up until we started the descent of peak #3, at which point I decided I wanted to die. Then we cooked lunch on our propane stove and drank makkoli (rice wine) with hot ramen, and I wanted to die less. Then we climbed peak #4, and I wanted to die again. But there was more makkoli to be had at the top of peak #4, so I didn't want to die anymore for a brief span of time. But the descent of peak #4 was a shitstorm. The whole thing took about 7 hours, including our lunch-break. Which is to say, we climbed those mountains FAST.
But I made it, I guess. Apparently KoHo's hiking club is impressed with me and wants to teach me how to rock-climb this spring.
Other accomplishments of the day: not losing my T-money card, peeling a clementine in one fell swoop, eating a silk-worm pupa (part of our mountain lunch) while being knowingly scrutinized by every member of hiking club, and keeping my gag reflex successfully in check. In fact, I've found that it really helps me eat something gross if there's someone staring intensely into my eyes while I'm chewing.
For dinner, we had smoked pork, and somehow they made it taste like cinnamon applesauce. It was delicious.
But both cinnamon-applesauce-pork and silk-worm-pupa would definitely have made me gag in private. (Also: no one forced me to eat that silk-worm pupa. Is it strange if I am purposely taking advantage of the absence of my gag reflex in public to try eating animals that I have never eaten before?)
Sitting at home now, and my hips feel like someone murdered them. My body is going to hate me tomorrow, and I am going to love it a little.
Which is to say, when I talk to Park Mi-Ran next week, I will tell her I climbed 수리산 (Suri-san) today. But the truth (as I see it) is that I climbed 4 mountains today. Because Suri-san has 4 peaks, and we couldn't just climb ONE.
The trail itself was not difficult. In fact, I was doing pretty good right up until we started the descent of peak #3, at which point I decided I wanted to die. Then we cooked lunch on our propane stove and drank makkoli (rice wine) with hot ramen, and I wanted to die less. Then we climbed peak #4, and I wanted to die again. But there was more makkoli to be had at the top of peak #4, so I didn't want to die anymore for a brief span of time. But the descent of peak #4 was a shitstorm. The whole thing took about 7 hours, including our lunch-break. Which is to say, we climbed those mountains FAST.
But I made it, I guess. Apparently KoHo's hiking club is impressed with me and wants to teach me how to rock-climb this spring.
Other accomplishments of the day: not losing my T-money card, peeling a clementine in one fell swoop, eating a silk-worm pupa (part of our mountain lunch) while being knowingly scrutinized by every member of hiking club, and keeping my gag reflex successfully in check. In fact, I've found that it really helps me eat something gross if there's someone staring intensely into my eyes while I'm chewing.
For dinner, we had smoked pork, and somehow they made it taste like cinnamon applesauce. It was delicious.
But both cinnamon-applesauce-pork and silk-worm-pupa would definitely have made me gag in private. (Also: no one forced me to eat that silk-worm pupa. Is it strange if I am purposely taking advantage of the absence of my gag reflex in public to try eating animals that I have never eaten before?)
Sitting at home now, and my hips feel like someone murdered them. My body is going to hate me tomorrow, and I am going to love it a little.
Saturday, 23 January 2010
The Korea grass
behind mountain
burning pampas
(behind mountain
The Korea grass
a mountain,
mountain grass.
Littleleaf.
Korean Mountain.
Korean Mountain.
Korean
feather
While waiting on
Korean Alps
(and mountain
and "Mountain
It is native to
Korean Mountain.
Her works capture the
Korean Mountain.
They had to eat barbecued
Korean Mountain
(behind mountain
burning "grass
The "Korea grass,
PAMPAS.
I go to the
Korean Mountain
I suckle
The Korea grass
behind mountain
burning pampas
(behind mountain
The Korea grass
a mountain,
mountain grass.
Littleleaf.
Korean Mountain.
Korean Mountain.
Korean
feather
While waiting on
Korean Alps
(and mountain
and "Mountain
It is native to
Korean Mountain.
Her works capture the
Korean Mountain.
They had to eat barbecued
Korean Mountain
(behind mountain
burning "grass
The "Korea grass,
PAMPAS.
I go to the
Korean Mountain
I suckle
The Korea grass
Friday, 22 January 2010
pictures I'd forgotten about
gossip girl #1 on the left, the immovable force on the right.
isn't gossip girl #1 pretty? isn't Korea pretty?
I Young-Kyung, my youngest co-teacher, back in the day when it still felt like summer and she took me to Namsan Tower.
Touring a traditional village about an hour outside of Seoul, Kim Ok-Su tortures KoHo in front of the palace while I look placidly on.
Kang Shin-Gu, me, Kim Ok-Su, KoHo, Kang Eun-Shig (is the christnormative regime). These are the people I did the language exchange with last semester, minus Yang Sunsaengnim, who is taking the picture.
Drinking makkoli, Korean rice wine. 건배!
Kim Ok-Su is the love of my life, part 1. We are huddled together in a heated shack in the traditional village while the rest of my co-workers laughed at us (especially me, because I'm from Michigan). But it was damn-ass cold that day.
My co-workers play dress-up with me, part 105. I am a guard from the Joseon Dynasty.
Hoping none of the stones have iced over.
Kang Shin-Gu demonstrating how to wrap rice, pork, and kimchi into a small leaf of lettuce and then eat it in "one shot!" Kang Shin-Gu loves commanding me to "one shot!" while I'm eating and/or drinking with him. I always obey.
ok, fine.
I'll climb a mountain this Sunday. I'll buy crampons tomorrow to help with the whole "it's winter" thing. If only because I've never climbed a snowy mountain before, and KoHo is a good person to climb a snowy mountain for the first time with. This mountain isn't as hard as the last one we climbed, he assures me. Whatever, KoHo. I don't BELIEVE you anymore, but I'll continue to follow you anyway.
Maybe when I am finished climbing this new mountain, then I will stay at home and knit and drink something hot and sweet.
Maybe when I am finished climbing this new mountain, then I will stay at home and knit and drink something hot and sweet.
Thursday, 21 January 2010
I took a nap just now, and dreamt.
That happens sometimes lately.
Everyone was in my dream. Ann Arbor friends: Jane, Jamie, Audra, Hannah, Nora, WhitPow, maybe @megiddings, I'm not sure. Teacher friends: Park Mi-Ran, KoHo, Yena, Shin-Jung, maybe gossip girl #1, I'm not sure. Various "fellow" native-English-speaking teachers from Seoul who will go unnamed, because the ones who were in my dream were the ones I hate and avoid, generally speaking.
There was a party, we were all playing an absurd game where we careened around the room acting like we were ships in stormy waters, rocking from side to side and bumping into each other as much as possible. Then we all took our shirts off, and I tweaked everyone's nipples. But then Hannah's and WhitPow's girlfriends got mad at me for touching their women.
At some point, the party ended, and then all of you were gone except for Jane and KoHo (hiking teacher friend), and Jane and I were wandering the streets of Seoul and/or Paris and we came across KoHo, who was surrounded by twenty-odd feral cats. He was clipping the nails of one of the feral cats, and the cat was very angry. Also, we were all standing on the roof of a building and/or high up on the limbs of a telephone pole.
Then suddenly Jane left me on my own and I was trying to find a place to stay in Seoul, only Jane was the one who was living in Seoul and I was visiting her here and I didn't know where to stay. Then I ended up staying in this really plush lobby of some business place for free, I don't really know why. And I think this is where the rest of my teacher friends entered the picture, we were at some conference or something and Park Mi-Ran probably took care of me, the end.
Everyone was in my dream. Ann Arbor friends: Jane, Jamie, Audra, Hannah, Nora, WhitPow, maybe @megiddings, I'm not sure. Teacher friends: Park Mi-Ran, KoHo, Yena, Shin-Jung, maybe gossip girl #1, I'm not sure. Various "fellow" native-English-speaking teachers from Seoul who will go unnamed, because the ones who were in my dream were the ones I hate and avoid, generally speaking.
There was a party, we were all playing an absurd game where we careened around the room acting like we were ships in stormy waters, rocking from side to side and bumping into each other as much as possible. Then we all took our shirts off, and I tweaked everyone's nipples. But then Hannah's and WhitPow's girlfriends got mad at me for touching their women.
At some point, the party ended, and then all of you were gone except for Jane and KoHo (hiking teacher friend), and Jane and I were wandering the streets of Seoul and/or Paris and we came across KoHo, who was surrounded by twenty-odd feral cats. He was clipping the nails of one of the feral cats, and the cat was very angry. Also, we were all standing on the roof of a building and/or high up on the limbs of a telephone pole.
Then suddenly Jane left me on my own and I was trying to find a place to stay in Seoul, only Jane was the one who was living in Seoul and I was visiting her here and I didn't know where to stay. Then I ended up staying in this really plush lobby of some business place for free, I don't really know why. And I think this is where the rest of my teacher friends entered the picture, we were at some conference or something and Park Mi-Ran probably took care of me, the end.
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
Sunday, 17 January 2010
the dubious (mental) status of my vegetarianism
Last week, one of the teachers who comes to teachers' winter English camp brought me a rice sandwich for lunch. Sticky rice patties instead of bread, and what looked to be ham and cheese inside. I normally leave school right after teachers' class these days, so I thanked her profusely and told her that it looked delicious and that I would eat it at home.
And you know, I got home with full intentions of eating that goddamned sandwich. I wasn't excited about it or anything, but I figured it would save me preparing my own lunch. After all, ham is nothing my stomach hasn't seen a hundred times over these past months.
But I got the sandwich out, took a bite of it, and just couldn't do it. Granted, there was some caviar in it I hadn't previously noticed which had a bit of an off-putting fishy smell. But really, I've eaten a lot of things that grossed me out way more than a little bit of caviar ever could. Crab guts, for fuck's sake.
I couldn't go through with it. I was too disgusted. I threw the sandwich away. And it made me realize something about the aforementioned "rapid decline of my vegetarianism": I have trained myself to react unemotionally and without disgust when presented with meat - BUT ONLY IN THE PUBLIC EYE. Formerly, I hadn't ever tried to eat meat when someone wasn't watching me; I always cook vegetarian food for myself. But I'd assumed that if I tried to eat meat when alone, I would be able to do it. It seemed like the natural conclusion.
NOT SO. I have done something strange to my brain. I thought I had completely gotten over my original disgust towards meat - but no, the original disgust is still there. But somehow I have managed to hide it away so effectively [in public] that I thought it had ceased to exist.
And you know, I got home with full intentions of eating that goddamned sandwich. I wasn't excited about it or anything, but I figured it would save me preparing my own lunch. After all, ham is nothing my stomach hasn't seen a hundred times over these past months.
But I got the sandwich out, took a bite of it, and just couldn't do it. Granted, there was some caviar in it I hadn't previously noticed which had a bit of an off-putting fishy smell. But really, I've eaten a lot of things that grossed me out way more than a little bit of caviar ever could. Crab guts, for fuck's sake.
I couldn't go through with it. I was too disgusted. I threw the sandwich away. And it made me realize something about the aforementioned "rapid decline of my vegetarianism": I have trained myself to react unemotionally and without disgust when presented with meat - BUT ONLY IN THE PUBLIC EYE. Formerly, I hadn't ever tried to eat meat when someone wasn't watching me; I always cook vegetarian food for myself. But I'd assumed that if I tried to eat meat when alone, I would be able to do it. It seemed like the natural conclusion.
NOT SO. I have done something strange to my brain. I thought I had completely gotten over my original disgust towards meat - but no, the original disgust is still there. But somehow I have managed to hide it away so effectively [in public] that I thought it had ceased to exist.
knitting again
oh gosh, knitting again, knitting an owl sweater, knitting a turquoise short-sleeved owl sweater with coral button-eyes, oh gosh.Knitting feels like home, I can't figure out why I ever stopped, why I haven't been knitting all this time. I am so much less anxious all the time now that I am knitting.
But you know, I know the reason I stopped: NO KNITTING BUDDY. Which is to say: I have a knitting buddy now! She knows how to ask questions about yarn in Korean, which is the best thing ever. And she likes talking about POOP, which I have taken to mean we are soulmates.
I'm in a good mood tonight. Lesson planning finished, knitting up a storm. <3, everybody.
Saturday, 16 January 2010
some semblance of a plan w/o any semblance of motivation
Man, this is how it always happens.
I become sure of something without telling anyone about it, and then as soon as I let it out I start to question myself and my decisions.
Having told you all I'm thinking seriously about renewing my contract here, I am now questioning whether that's what I want to do at all, even a little bit. Haven't I felt inadequate and insecure the whole time I've been here? Haven't I been a more anxious person for the past 4 months than I've ever been before? Do I really want to sign up for another year of that? Can I even handle it?
Maybe it's just that I'm tired lately. I really need/want a vacation, I can't wait to leave for BsAs and not think about teaching for a whole month. (@warmandbarky let's never talk about teaching, ok? I mean, let's maybe talk about it just once, but then let's talk only about poems, ok?)
So I guess what I'm saying is: I've lost all of my motivation lately, all of it. I don't have the energy to study Korean, or to study the teaching methodology textbooks I borrowed from Park Mi-Ran just after Christmas, or to lesson plan, or to teach, really. And FUCK, if I don't have the energy to teach, then WHAT AM I EVEN DOING.
I'm also saying that I'm really hoping I get my motivation back after having a break. I really liked it when I was in love with learning Korean and teaching my students and never wanted to stop. I mean, I always hated lesson planning, but that's normal, I think, no one likes lesson planning. I just want to go back to when I didn't dread going to classes.
One more week of winter camp, then a week of no-classes, then a week of goof-off classes and graduation. Then 35 hours on 3 planes and flying around half of the world to get to @warmandbarky. I CAN'T WAIT, I THINK ABOUT SEOUL --> HONG KONG --> JOHANNESBURG --> BSAS ALL THE TIME.
I become sure of something without telling anyone about it, and then as soon as I let it out I start to question myself and my decisions.
Having told you all I'm thinking seriously about renewing my contract here, I am now questioning whether that's what I want to do at all, even a little bit. Haven't I felt inadequate and insecure the whole time I've been here? Haven't I been a more anxious person for the past 4 months than I've ever been before? Do I really want to sign up for another year of that? Can I even handle it?
Maybe it's just that I'm tired lately. I really need/want a vacation, I can't wait to leave for BsAs and not think about teaching for a whole month. (@warmandbarky let's never talk about teaching, ok? I mean, let's maybe talk about it just once, but then let's talk only about poems, ok?)
So I guess what I'm saying is: I've lost all of my motivation lately, all of it. I don't have the energy to study Korean, or to study the teaching methodology textbooks I borrowed from Park Mi-Ran just after Christmas, or to lesson plan, or to teach, really. And FUCK, if I don't have the energy to teach, then WHAT AM I EVEN DOING.
I'm also saying that I'm really hoping I get my motivation back after having a break. I really liked it when I was in love with learning Korean and teaching my students and never wanted to stop. I mean, I always hated lesson planning, but that's normal, I think, no one likes lesson planning. I just want to go back to when I didn't dread going to classes.
One more week of winter camp, then a week of no-classes, then a week of goof-off classes and graduation. Then 35 hours on 3 planes and flying around half of the world to get to @warmandbarky. I CAN'T WAIT, I THINK ABOUT SEOUL --> HONG KONG --> JOHANNESBURG --> BSAS ALL THE TIME.
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
text message from the LG guy who delivered/set up my printer:
sometime nightfood together ok?? you cuti:)
Friday, 8 January 2010
The school yearbook is coming out soon.
Meet Pamela-teacher. Of course, my hair's looking significantly shaggier these days.I'm really looking forward to seeing the yearbook, definitely more excited than I ever was about seeing a yearbook from my own high school days. I am more attached to my students and co-workers here than I ever was to my own high school peers.
Thursday, 7 January 2010
I want to tell you about my students.
Sometimes I forget what I've written here vs. what I've only told a few people over Skype, and on the phone with someone last week I realized that some of you don't know as much about my students as I thought you did.
My students have had a rough time in the Korean education system. Sometime in either elementary or middle school, they fucked up, and they've been on the track to a technical high school ever since. Even if they know the material, they do poorly on standardized tests, and standardized tests are everything in Korea, even more than in the U.S. The Korean education system doesn't really give you a second chance; if you haven't managed to test well by the end of middle school, then you're going to a shit high school and probably never going to college. If you do go to college, it will probably be a 2-year technical college that isn't prestigious and therefore isn't respected. That's even assuming you have the money for college; most of my students just don't. In the U.S., if your parents don't have the money to put you through college, you can do it yourself on student loans and working. In Korea, student loans are only given out at exorbitant interest rates and have to be paid back in a much shorter time period: 2-3 years. Which means if your family can't put you through college, you're not going.
Like I said, no second chances.
Aside from that, most of my students are struggling with depression or attention disorders, or both. They have extreme mood swings: some are happy and active in class one day, exhausted and unresponsive the next - or sometimes, angry and violent towards their classmates, both verbally and physically. Sleep deprivation is a huge problem; most of them are addicted to videogames to such an extent that they will stay up all night playing them and then come to school. Some of them can't afford winter coats, most of them don't eat breakfast, a few of them eat their only meal of the day in the school cafeteria. Which, in an extremely depressing way, means that food - especially warm food - is the most effective reward I can give out. They will try infinitely harder if there is a snack on the line.
And most of my students are also wracked with insecurity. They have been doing poorly in the school system for a long time, and have been told that they are bad students, that they are stupid for an equally long time. Most of them don't receive much support from home.
It sounds corny, but you'd be surprised how far something like "You can do it! You're smart!" goes when I'm trying to get my students to learn something. The reaction is often immediate. "Oh, thank you! Okay, I can do it," they say, and sit up straighter. I try to be a constant fountain of positive reinforcement. It probably doesn't make much of a difference; after all, I only see them once a week. I am only their English teacher, I can't even speak their language. I am not the place they look for unconditional support.
Sometimes I get frustrated with my students, because they put forth so little effort. Sometimes I feel like I spend all my free time trying to think up activities that will trick them into engaging. Sometimes I leave the classroom thinking I am a terrible teacher, I am not what these kids need.
But most of the time, I love them. They are crazy, they sing "Good Morning, Pah-may-la!" in opera voices out the windows of their freezing classrooms. They sometimes burst into K-Pop songs during class. And they sometimes really try, sometimes the lowest-level 1st graders try so hard and do so well with things that I know are hard for them. And I leave class smiling and proud of my students and never having felt more like Pam-Mom in all my life.
Also, let me tell you about technical high schools. There's recently been a surge of technical high school native English-speaking teachers trying to get in contact with each other, and as a result of it I've started to think more about my school's place in the overall education system. And I'm starting to realize that part of why I've felt so unprepared for this entire experience is because this is not what they trained me for at orientation. Granted, a 9-day orientation is not enough time to figure out how to teach. But by the end of orientation, I had a lot of ideas. I'd been told that most of the students I'd be teaching would probably have had private English tutoring all their lives (most Seoul students do, unless their families are extremely low-income) and would be nearly fluent by now. I had a lot of ideas; I was excited to teach my students some of the nuances of English that I find interesting. Technical high schools were barely mentioned at orientation, and when someone brought them up they were usually dismissed with something like, "If you get a tech school, good luck." No real advice.
So I was shocked when I got to my school. I couldn't use the ideas I'd been given for higher-level high schoolers, because I would lose all of my students within 2 minutes, guaranteed. I couldn't use the ideas I'd been given for elementary schoolers, because (even though the content would be at the right level) my students would hate me for treating them like children. I found myself having to come up with all my own ideas, since none of the ideas other people were putting out there would work for me or my students. How unreasonable. How was I supposed to design my own curriculum with a total of 9 days of unhelpful teacher training? No fucking wonder I've been overwhelmed.
What I mean to say is: the Seoul Metropolitan Office of Education (my ultimate boss) has written off technical high schools as a lost cause, and they are not making any real attempt to train the teachers they place in these schools. Supposedly, the turnover rate of native English-speaking teachers at technical high schools is nearly 100%, which isn't that surprising given that we are given NO PREPARATION for the situation - but it also means that (supposedly) there is no one experienced enough in teaching at a technical high school to be able to train us.
I'm not sure I buy this. After all, even if there aren't any experienced native English-speaking teachers, surely it would be similarly effective to have a Korean English teacher speak to us about the things we are likely to experience in technical high schools, and to give us some idea of how to approach the lesson material. Surely they could bring in a guidance counselor to tell us about some of the struggles (mental and otherwise) that our students are likely to be going through.
Have I conveyed to you how frustrated I am about all of this? It really makes me angry how much my students are continually written off by the education system and Korean society as a whole. I want to say: "They exist, okay? They deserve to be taught well."
And all of this is part of the reason I am thinking so hard about renewing my contract at my same school next year. Partly because I love my kids, partly because: Pam-Mom, partly because I have an amazing support network in the teachers at my school, partly because I will never be satisfied with myself until I learn how to teach these students effectively, partly because someone has to learn how to give these kids what they need, and who is going to do it?
My students have had a rough time in the Korean education system. Sometime in either elementary or middle school, they fucked up, and they've been on the track to a technical high school ever since. Even if they know the material, they do poorly on standardized tests, and standardized tests are everything in Korea, even more than in the U.S. The Korean education system doesn't really give you a second chance; if you haven't managed to test well by the end of middle school, then you're going to a shit high school and probably never going to college. If you do go to college, it will probably be a 2-year technical college that isn't prestigious and therefore isn't respected. That's even assuming you have the money for college; most of my students just don't. In the U.S., if your parents don't have the money to put you through college, you can do it yourself on student loans and working. In Korea, student loans are only given out at exorbitant interest rates and have to be paid back in a much shorter time period: 2-3 years. Which means if your family can't put you through college, you're not going.
Like I said, no second chances.
Aside from that, most of my students are struggling with depression or attention disorders, or both. They have extreme mood swings: some are happy and active in class one day, exhausted and unresponsive the next - or sometimes, angry and violent towards their classmates, both verbally and physically. Sleep deprivation is a huge problem; most of them are addicted to videogames to such an extent that they will stay up all night playing them and then come to school. Some of them can't afford winter coats, most of them don't eat breakfast, a few of them eat their only meal of the day in the school cafeteria. Which, in an extremely depressing way, means that food - especially warm food - is the most effective reward I can give out. They will try infinitely harder if there is a snack on the line.
And most of my students are also wracked with insecurity. They have been doing poorly in the school system for a long time, and have been told that they are bad students, that they are stupid for an equally long time. Most of them don't receive much support from home.
It sounds corny, but you'd be surprised how far something like "You can do it! You're smart!" goes when I'm trying to get my students to learn something. The reaction is often immediate. "Oh, thank you! Okay, I can do it," they say, and sit up straighter. I try to be a constant fountain of positive reinforcement. It probably doesn't make much of a difference; after all, I only see them once a week. I am only their English teacher, I can't even speak their language. I am not the place they look for unconditional support.
Sometimes I get frustrated with my students, because they put forth so little effort. Sometimes I feel like I spend all my free time trying to think up activities that will trick them into engaging. Sometimes I leave the classroom thinking I am a terrible teacher, I am not what these kids need.
But most of the time, I love them. They are crazy, they sing "Good Morning, Pah-may-la!" in opera voices out the windows of their freezing classrooms. They sometimes burst into K-Pop songs during class. And they sometimes really try, sometimes the lowest-level 1st graders try so hard and do so well with things that I know are hard for them. And I leave class smiling and proud of my students and never having felt more like Pam-Mom in all my life.
Also, let me tell you about technical high schools. There's recently been a surge of technical high school native English-speaking teachers trying to get in contact with each other, and as a result of it I've started to think more about my school's place in the overall education system. And I'm starting to realize that part of why I've felt so unprepared for this entire experience is because this is not what they trained me for at orientation. Granted, a 9-day orientation is not enough time to figure out how to teach. But by the end of orientation, I had a lot of ideas. I'd been told that most of the students I'd be teaching would probably have had private English tutoring all their lives (most Seoul students do, unless their families are extremely low-income) and would be nearly fluent by now. I had a lot of ideas; I was excited to teach my students some of the nuances of English that I find interesting. Technical high schools were barely mentioned at orientation, and when someone brought them up they were usually dismissed with something like, "If you get a tech school, good luck." No real advice.
So I was shocked when I got to my school. I couldn't use the ideas I'd been given for higher-level high schoolers, because I would lose all of my students within 2 minutes, guaranteed. I couldn't use the ideas I'd been given for elementary schoolers, because (even though the content would be at the right level) my students would hate me for treating them like children. I found myself having to come up with all my own ideas, since none of the ideas other people were putting out there would work for me or my students. How unreasonable. How was I supposed to design my own curriculum with a total of 9 days of unhelpful teacher training? No fucking wonder I've been overwhelmed.
What I mean to say is: the Seoul Metropolitan Office of Education (my ultimate boss) has written off technical high schools as a lost cause, and they are not making any real attempt to train the teachers they place in these schools. Supposedly, the turnover rate of native English-speaking teachers at technical high schools is nearly 100%, which isn't that surprising given that we are given NO PREPARATION for the situation - but it also means that (supposedly) there is no one experienced enough in teaching at a technical high school to be able to train us.
I'm not sure I buy this. After all, even if there aren't any experienced native English-speaking teachers, surely it would be similarly effective to have a Korean English teacher speak to us about the things we are likely to experience in technical high schools, and to give us some idea of how to approach the lesson material. Surely they could bring in a guidance counselor to tell us about some of the struggles (mental and otherwise) that our students are likely to be going through.
Have I conveyed to you how frustrated I am about all of this? It really makes me angry how much my students are continually written off by the education system and Korean society as a whole. I want to say: "They exist, okay? They deserve to be taught well."
And all of this is part of the reason I am thinking so hard about renewing my contract at my same school next year. Partly because I love my kids, partly because: Pam-Mom, partly because I have an amazing support network in the teachers at my school, partly because I will never be satisfied with myself until I learn how to teach these students effectively, partly because someone has to learn how to give these kids what they need, and who is going to do it?
Monday, 4 January 2010
이시영 (I Shi-Young) 1949 -
정적
반포대교를 건너면 그곳은 나타난다
아침마다 헬기가 내리고 뜨는
거대한 그린 필드
서남으론 삼각지에서 서빙고역,
동남으론 이태원에서 한남동,
북으론 남산 아래턱 남영동 후암동까지.
옛날엔 이 땅이 조선군 사령부였지
버스를 타고 가다 부면
수지 미용실, 크라운 골프샾, 킴스 드라이크리닝 건너편으로
숨죽인 듯 그저 고요한 막사들
1900년대엔 흰옷 입은 농 꾼들이
곡괜이를 을러메고 와
내 땅 내놓아라 소리치다 피 흘리던 곳
그때의 감나무도 땀 배인 호박 구덩이도
해방의 길을 단숨에 달려온 지까다비도
철조망 안에서 썩고 있는데
오늘은 자작나무 희 숲 아래로
유우에스 아미 용산 메인 포스트의
번쩍이는 선명한 금빛 마크, 햇빛 아래
굳게 닫힌 푸른색 문
그렇다 친구여, 오늘의 발자국은 소리가 없다
혈맹도, 미소짓는 흰 이빨의 굳은 악수도
저 낮은 퀀셋 그림자처럼
우리를 한번 삼키면 다시는 내놓으려 하지 않을 뿐
모습없이 소리없이 고요하기만 한
서남동북 수만 평 넓고 푸른 땅
Silence
If you cross Seoul's Panp'o Bridge you reach the spot:
a vast green field where choppers take off and land
from early morning, extending to the south west
from Samgakji to Sobinggo station
to the south east from Itaewon to Hannam-dong northwards
from Namyong-dong below Namsan as far as Huam-dong.
In old days this was the Choson Army's HQ, of course.
Now take a bus, go and look: across from
Suzie beauty parlor, Crown Golf-shop, Kim's Dry-cleaning,
you see barracks so quiet they seem to be holding their breath.
In the early 1900s simple farmers dressed in white
came to this spot waving hoes in threat,
shouted "Let go of my land!" and shed their blood.
The persimmon trees of old days, sweat-soaked pumpkin beds,
the sneakers that came rushing down the road of liberation,
are all rotting now inside the barbed wire fence
and today, below the grove of white birch trees, you see
the US Army Yongsan Main Post's clear golden emblem
in the sunlight, firmly closed green gates.
And friend, today's footsteps make no noise.
Alliances are sealed in blood, firm handshakes
with flashing white teeth, like the shadows of those squat huts.
If they succeed in making us theirs, they'll never let go again.
Devoid of shape, devoid of sound, simply silent there,
to north and south, east and west, that vast expanse of green.
-translation by Kim Young-Moo and Brother Anthony of Taizé
I don't like this translation. Of course, I can't tell you for certain whether I like the original poem in Korean, or not, since I can't read all of it. But I can tell you that I'm dubious about a lot of line breaks and added punctuation in the translation, and that I'm pretty sure there are some interesting pronoun issues going on (I vs. we) in the original that the translation doesn't even try to address. And I don't like how the translators tried to make the poem as "English" as possible, which doesn't make sense. I know the goal is to translate the poem into English, but I don't like how everything gets changed around to leave you completely devoid of any sense of how the poem sounded or was structured in Korean. Sometimes they go so far as to completely change verbs around in order to (presumably) change the wording into more common English phrasing.
It really annoys me. Korean uses verbs and pronouns and everything in a very different way than English does, and why do we have to ignore that when translating things? What is so scary about translating a poem's phrasing in a way that will sound strange (and interesting!) in English?
Anyway, all that aside, I'm obsessed with the final emotions of this poem, esp. the line "If they succeed in making us theirs, they'll never let go again," which is translated okay, as far as I can tell. I don't want to sound cliché, but: sometimes I forget how recent Korea's history of war and colonization is. And then things like this poem and the (Korean) army base on the mountain behind my school make me remember. Here is a simplification: in the early 1900s, Korea was struggling against Japan; in 1910, Japan took control of Korea and forced everyone to speak Japanese; in 1945, partly due to U.S. involvement in WWII, Korea ceased to be occupied by Japan and was instead occupied by Russia in the North and the U.S. in the South. And then the U.S. troops never left, as they are wont to do.
Some Koreans feel very amicably towards the U.S. They call WWII the Japanese War, and there's still a lot of "Hey, America did us a solid! Yay America!" sentiment. It surprised me when I first got here, but it makes a certain amount of sense. There's far more animosity towards Japan than there is towards the U.S., even though the U.S. is the current presence in South Korea.
But then there's this poem, and I just don't understand why everyone in Korea doesn't resent the continued presence of U.S. Army bases. And why won't the U.S. let go, why did we ever think we had the right to stay.
weekly pop music profile #5
Weekly pop music profile is LATE, I know, but forgive me: I poured a huge mug of boiling yuja tea all over myself and my computer last Wednesday, and the keyboard definitely has not forgiven me for it. I'm using an external keyboard and mouse now; on the bright side, at least now I have a keyboard that is labeled with both the Roman and Korean alphabets. (@Sara: thank you SO MUCH for the HUGE-ASS MUG you sent me for Christmas. It's what made all of this possible.)
Big Bang, I would say, is the biggest boy band in Korea right now (bigger than Super Junior, because Super Junior only became popular in 2008, but Big Bang is an established success - they've been around for about 4 years).
G-Dragon is the leader of Big Bang, and he just came out with his own solo album, featuring the single "Heartbreaker." Sony Music is angry at YG Entertainment because the rap sequences of "Heartbreaker" are extremely similar to Flo-Rida's "Right Round," so they've denied YG Entertainment the right to promote "Heartbreaker" any further. It doesn't matter; they don't need to promote it anymore. Everyone's already obsessed with it.
I agree, mostly: the rhythms are extremely similar. I can't decide whether I care or not. Korea definitely doesn't care very much about copyright; I can't decide if that's a good thing or not.
Either way, I'm super into the apple thing. I'm super into the slinky he's wearing around his neck. And if you want to watch the sequel video, "Breathe," know that I'm SUPER INTO that rainbow flower jacket. And the yellow smiley face gloves and the zebra print pants and the leopard print shirt and ahhhhhhhh KOREAN POP FASHION I love you, you're perfect, don't ever change.
Big Bang, I would say, is the biggest boy band in Korea right now (bigger than Super Junior, because Super Junior only became popular in 2008, but Big Bang is an established success - they've been around for about 4 years).
G-Dragon is the leader of Big Bang, and he just came out with his own solo album, featuring the single "Heartbreaker." Sony Music is angry at YG Entertainment because the rap sequences of "Heartbreaker" are extremely similar to Flo-Rida's "Right Round," so they've denied YG Entertainment the right to promote "Heartbreaker" any further. It doesn't matter; they don't need to promote it anymore. Everyone's already obsessed with it.
I agree, mostly: the rhythms are extremely similar. I can't decide whether I care or not. Korea definitely doesn't care very much about copyright; I can't decide if that's a good thing or not.
Either way, I'm super into the apple thing. I'm super into the slinky he's wearing around his neck. And if you want to watch the sequel video, "Breathe," know that I'm SUPER INTO that rainbow flower jacket. And the yellow smiley face gloves and the zebra print pants and the leopard print shirt and ahhhhhhhh KOREAN POP FASHION I love you, you're perfect, don't ever change.
새해 복 많이 받으세요!
Today was the first business day of the new year, which means even though most teachers are technically on vacation right now, a lot of people, and especially the head teachers, were supposed to come to work today. There was a celebratory lunch, with persimmons and rice-cake/dumpling soup and sake and wine, and all around me, all day: 새해 복 많이 받으세요! (sae-hae bok manee badeusaeyo! = Receive a lot of luck this year! = Happy New Year!)
Winter classes commenced this morning, as did approximately 30 cm of snowfall - which is highly unusual for Seoul. I've been told that the last time Seoul got more than 10 cm of snow TOTAL over the course of an entire winter was 10 years ago. 30 cm in one day is absolutely unheard of. But despite that, very few schools canceled winter classes. Since the roads were horrid and nothing was canceled, the subways were a warzone. I've gotten pushy about my subway etiquette, but twice I had to let a crowded train pass and wait for the next one. People propel each other on and off the trains, I was being pushed forward so quickly that I lost all balance or control of my steps, and had a moment of panic when I realized I was crossing The Gap Between the Train and the Platform and not able to Mind it in the least (i.e. I couldn't see where I was stepping, but knew that somewhere down there was a gap big enough for my foot to fall through). It was terrifying, and it put me in a really bad mood. Luckily, there was a 10-minute walk through the snow to calm me down.
3 students showed up to students' English camp, which technically starts at 8:30 am but doesn't really start until 9 am. That means 13 students woke up, saw the snow, and decided it wasn't worth it. I don't really blame them.
But only 1 teacher was absent from teachers' English camp, and that was fun. A few teachers that I truly didn't know could speak English are attending, and their grammar is perfect and their vocabulary is huge and I really can't figure out why they haven't spoken to me before, since their enthusiasm today showed that there are a lot of questions they want to ask me (about English, about life in the U.S., about my life in Korea, etc). Anyway, it was fun.
I haven't written on this blog in what feels like ages. I guess ages = one week when I'm addicted to telling you all everything (not everything, never everything, but I try) about my life here. It doesn't feel right for you to not know what is happening.
I just realized this is going to be a long post. Prepare yourself, or give up now, whichever you prefer.
I have 2 important things to tell you:
1. I've decided where I'm going for my 3-week February vacation: Buenos Aires, Argentina, to meet Audra-friend and be silly and dance tango together. Financially, I'm being a little irresponsible, and setting myself back about a month-and-a-half paying back my student loans, but I've been working hard here, and I have both the time and the money to make the trip, and a good friend to spend time with while I'm there, and I don't know when all those things will coincide again, and anyway what I mean to say is I just really want this, and so I'm going. I've bought the ticket: Feb. 6, Seoul --> Hong Kong --> Johannesburg --> Buenos Aires, 35 hours total in transit. I can't wait.
2. I was talking to Park Mi-Ran the other day, and she was telling me about some changes our school might be making to their admissions process for the 2011 school year, which would allow students from all over Korea to apply, whereas right now only students who live in Seoul can apply. In theory, that would mean that instead of admitting a group of underprivileged and largely unmotivated students who have done poorly in Seoul's middle schools, my school would admit a group of students from rural Korea who have never before had a chance to receive a big-city education and who would (probably) be highly motivated. It would be exchanging one group of students who never had much of a chance in the Korean education system for another group of students who never had much of a chance in the Korean education system. But Park Mi-Ran really hopes the change happens, because she is excited to be able to see the students working hard and to be able to watch their English improve. With our current group of students, it's sometimes hard to see improvement. With a few exceptions, they're not very motivated to learn English.
Anyway, I am getting close to the important thing I have to tell you. About half-way through my conversation with Park Mi-Ran, I realized that she was telling me about these possible changes to try to convince me that I should renew my contract at Seoul Electronics High School. It made me really happy to know that she wants me to stay, that she wants to continue working with me. What she doesn't know, and what you maybe don't know, is that with or without the projected changes to school admissions, I really really really want to stay, I think, I really really really want to renew my contract. The time hasn't come to make the final decision, yet, and it won't come for at least another 5 months, but you should know that I'm seriously considering staying in Korea for another year beyond my current contract, maybe even longer. I'm in love with my school, both the teachers and the students, and I have a lot of goals here. I don't think I'll be ready to leave until I'm satisfied that all of them are complete: 1. become proficient in Korean, enough that I can carry out any necessary conversation without resorting to English; 2. become a confident English teacher, to both high school students and adults (subgoal: get my TEFL certification); 3. travel the Korean countryside extensively, climb a lot of mountains; 4. travel to places that are more convenient to travel to from Seoul than from other places I am likely to live in the future: China, Japan, Vietnam, Indonesia, New Zealand, maybe India.
In conclusion, I feel (and have felt for a while) that I am in this for the long haul. That feeling is subject to change, of course, as my time here continues and my perspective shifts, but right now, I'd put the cap on my time here at somewhere around 3-5 years.
Are these 2 important things I have told you making you unhappy? I hope not. Realize that I am doing both of them not to hurt or avoid any of you, but because I feel that these decisions are what's best for me right now, these are the things that are making me happy.
Winter classes commenced this morning, as did approximately 30 cm of snowfall - which is highly unusual for Seoul. I've been told that the last time Seoul got more than 10 cm of snow TOTAL over the course of an entire winter was 10 years ago. 30 cm in one day is absolutely unheard of. But despite that, very few schools canceled winter classes. Since the roads were horrid and nothing was canceled, the subways were a warzone. I've gotten pushy about my subway etiquette, but twice I had to let a crowded train pass and wait for the next one. People propel each other on and off the trains, I was being pushed forward so quickly that I lost all balance or control of my steps, and had a moment of panic when I realized I was crossing The Gap Between the Train and the Platform and not able to Mind it in the least (i.e. I couldn't see where I was stepping, but knew that somewhere down there was a gap big enough for my foot to fall through). It was terrifying, and it put me in a really bad mood. Luckily, there was a 10-minute walk through the snow to calm me down.
3 students showed up to students' English camp, which technically starts at 8:30 am but doesn't really start until 9 am. That means 13 students woke up, saw the snow, and decided it wasn't worth it. I don't really blame them.
But only 1 teacher was absent from teachers' English camp, and that was fun. A few teachers that I truly didn't know could speak English are attending, and their grammar is perfect and their vocabulary is huge and I really can't figure out why they haven't spoken to me before, since their enthusiasm today showed that there are a lot of questions they want to ask me (about English, about life in the U.S., about my life in Korea, etc). Anyway, it was fun.
I haven't written on this blog in what feels like ages. I guess ages = one week when I'm addicted to telling you all everything (not everything, never everything, but I try) about my life here. It doesn't feel right for you to not know what is happening.
I just realized this is going to be a long post. Prepare yourself, or give up now, whichever you prefer.
I have 2 important things to tell you:
1. I've decided where I'm going for my 3-week February vacation: Buenos Aires, Argentina, to meet Audra-friend and be silly and dance tango together. Financially, I'm being a little irresponsible, and setting myself back about a month-and-a-half paying back my student loans, but I've been working hard here, and I have both the time and the money to make the trip, and a good friend to spend time with while I'm there, and I don't know when all those things will coincide again, and anyway what I mean to say is I just really want this, and so I'm going. I've bought the ticket: Feb. 6, Seoul --> Hong Kong --> Johannesburg --> Buenos Aires, 35 hours total in transit. I can't wait.
2. I was talking to Park Mi-Ran the other day, and she was telling me about some changes our school might be making to their admissions process for the 2011 school year, which would allow students from all over Korea to apply, whereas right now only students who live in Seoul can apply. In theory, that would mean that instead of admitting a group of underprivileged and largely unmotivated students who have done poorly in Seoul's middle schools, my school would admit a group of students from rural Korea who have never before had a chance to receive a big-city education and who would (probably) be highly motivated. It would be exchanging one group of students who never had much of a chance in the Korean education system for another group of students who never had much of a chance in the Korean education system. But Park Mi-Ran really hopes the change happens, because she is excited to be able to see the students working hard and to be able to watch their English improve. With our current group of students, it's sometimes hard to see improvement. With a few exceptions, they're not very motivated to learn English.
Anyway, I am getting close to the important thing I have to tell you. About half-way through my conversation with Park Mi-Ran, I realized that she was telling me about these possible changes to try to convince me that I should renew my contract at Seoul Electronics High School. It made me really happy to know that she wants me to stay, that she wants to continue working with me. What she doesn't know, and what you maybe don't know, is that with or without the projected changes to school admissions, I really really really want to stay, I think, I really really really want to renew my contract. The time hasn't come to make the final decision, yet, and it won't come for at least another 5 months, but you should know that I'm seriously considering staying in Korea for another year beyond my current contract, maybe even longer. I'm in love with my school, both the teachers and the students, and I have a lot of goals here. I don't think I'll be ready to leave until I'm satisfied that all of them are complete: 1. become proficient in Korean, enough that I can carry out any necessary conversation without resorting to English; 2. become a confident English teacher, to both high school students and adults (subgoal: get my TEFL certification); 3. travel the Korean countryside extensively, climb a lot of mountains; 4. travel to places that are more convenient to travel to from Seoul than from other places I am likely to live in the future: China, Japan, Vietnam, Indonesia, New Zealand, maybe India.
In conclusion, I feel (and have felt for a while) that I am in this for the long haul. That feeling is subject to change, of course, as my time here continues and my perspective shifts, but right now, I'd put the cap on my time here at somewhere around 3-5 years.
Are these 2 important things I have told you making you unhappy? I hope not. Realize that I am doing both of them not to hurt or avoid any of you, but because I feel that these decisions are what's best for me right now, these are the things that are making me happy.
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