메리 크리스마스!

Here is a direct transcription of a text message I received from Mr. Bae, the head computer guy at my office. He has a daughter my age, and sometimes I get the feeling he fancies himself my father figure.

:*:..Merry..:*:
:*Christmas*:
<3(^3^*)<3
....Y...Y....
=(^O^)=
....( ```)~*
HS Bae <3

My co-workers love playing dress-up with me when they take me places. I secretly love succumbing to them.

Wednesday and Thursday this week, we had debates about why Christmas was stupid vs. fun, and I wore a Santa hat all day and gave free cookies to all my students (about 130 cookies, in total, just for my Wednesday and Thursday classes).

The meditation club end-of-year (party? It wasn't really a party, we just meditated like usual) was yesterday, and everyone went around and told the group how this year has been for them. And it was the first time, really, that I've thought about the trajectory of this year; I just haven't grouped events that way before. This year, grouped together, has been really strange. This spring I was still in university, working at HIO, printmaking like my life depended on it. Then graduation happened. Then three months of alternately feeling hopeless and happy: hopeless because I had no job and couldn't find a job despite hundreds of resumes sent out, happy because I had so much free time and could read poetry and bullshit with my friends all the time. Then: suddenly deciding I was going to Korea. One month of working for U-M English Language Institute and feeling crazy and spending hours at the Secretary of State trying to get my documents in order.

Now, Korea. I want to say I've changed a lot since I got here, and I think it would be true to say it, but I don't really know how I've changed. It's just that my sense of reality is so different from what it was in Ann Arbor; maybe the reason this year has been strange is that my sense of reality has changed many times.

I know I've spent a lot of time telling you guys how stressed out I am here, and it's true. I am a consistently anxious person here, which is something that I have never been before. But never think that it means I regret this, because I am so so happy I came here, and so many good things have happened to me here, and I would never take it back.

These days, I am optimistic. These days, I sometimes think I can feel myself turning truly happy here.

Happy Christmas, guys.